Supposed to be sleeping,
either getting those good dreams or having a blackout from being too tired.
From playing games to social media, reading books and listening to music,
I'm still lying on my bed with eyes wide awake.
Couldn't stop thinking, just wanted to take a break.
As I close my eyes, I hear all the voices.
I kept thinking if what I did was enough.
All the negatives overflow my brain,
somehow the unfinished works became 60% progress or totally finished.
I didn't care about the time and the hunger anymore.
It felt that no matter what happens, I have to finish.
Whether I hated what I'm doing or not, it should be done.
Been trying to sleep with a calm mindset but having heartbeats and nightmares superseded.
It's like a lunatic staying high with a vertigo.
It's hard to keep the thoughts away.
Bringing back memories that shouldn't show up again,
I don't understand what's wrong with me.
Awake on the outside but dead on the inside.
Stuck in a time loop with nowhere to go, every scenario was full of rejections.
When does this stop?
I missed the sane me.
Maybe I have to be insane for awhile to wake up.
To wake up in the reality where there's still healing.
To wake up where there's still room to improve.
I hate myself to be always wide awake.
But, maybe keeping me awake reminds me to be alive and wait for its next adventures to come.
Well, good for them, they are living in the best life.
At a young age, they can see the world as they want it to be.
While here I am, lying down on my bed, just listening to tunes that calms the mind.
With no path to go, being stuck in solace, I don’t even know where to begin.
I used to dream those things.
Dreams of getting a good career, travel around the world Luxurious outfits, high-quality items,
got some Lamborghinis, Tesla and Ferraris over there.
Even with some exclusive invites to parties with black cards, they always stood out in the spotlight.
ld, having your own house.
But now, I guess it’s never going to happen anymore.
I am one of those unlucky ones.
Always hopeful, always thinking that since dreams are free, it can still be achieved.
Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic that is thinking too far.
As time passes, the struggles come by.
Did I make the right decision?
Have I done enough?
Is this path the answer to all my questions?
Everyday is uphill battle with voices of doubt spiraling in my head.
Each failure I get feels like I’m being shot by an arrow and is forced to step back.
Others thought I’m crazy for just managing it with a smile.
What they don’t know was that behind the smile were buckets of tears and dark eyebags.
The shame, embarrassment, and pity are all being thrown at me.
There is no surprise that I am now being ignored and scolded always.
All that came into me was that I am worthless.
The laughs and smiles were the façade to keep others from worrying.
At the end of the day, all I want is to be productive in what I do.
I want to regain the motivation and strength to bring back the confidence again.
I want people to see me as a person struggling but also see my efforts as I reach the top in the end.
All I want is to be enough for myself.
If only fairytales somehow existed in this universe, happiness would have already been found.
Thank the heavens that I still haven’t given up even if my patience is at the brink of its level.
I know I can do it.
I just wish that my heart, mind, and soul is still holding on to the pain and misery.
Just hold on tight on this tightrope once more.
One day, it will all be worth it.
One day, everything that I have worked for will be enough.
(Bio Note: Natasha Alva is a first-time poet and enjoys reading novels. She started writing poems in 2020 through her Instagram account and sometimes joins prompt contests from different poetry communities. She writes Filipino and English poems and gets inspired through the movies, TV shows, novels, and music that she loves).
Facebook: Natasha Alva
Instagram: @theburiedpages , @natasha_alva0341
The Beautiful Space-